By Nassur Taban El Tablaz (Mak Hons. Educ)

Dear H.E,
It’s me one of your insignificant grandchildren. It’s been a while since I last wrote you an open letter. It must be over six years from the time I wrote you that letter about improving the teachers’ welfare. Just to indulge your memory, grandpa, it was during one of the first serious teachers industrial action to which the then Prime Minister, Rt. Hon. Amama Mbabazi had the audacity to opine that teachers would be sacked if they did not report to work and in their place, he would deploy our lovely UPDF to attend to the students at all levels! You, yourself wisely counseled that teachers should go rare goats (I’m sure they are experts at this now and must be making the kind of money our lovely Margaret Muhanga made to buy the UBC land back then!)

Your Excellency, allow me first seek your pardon. You’ll realize that six years ago, I was naive and ignorantly childish. Please forgive me for all I said then in line of selfish satisfied ministers determining the salary of the disadvantaged poor teachers! (I’m sorry I’ve to tickle your memory again: this letter appeared as letter of the day in that stubborn newspaper, the Daily Monitor) Grandpa, I’ve recently had a change of mind — I’ve seen the light and got saved. It’s with this changed perception of the world that I kindly request you to permanently shutdown learning institutions, turn them into hotels and lodges or markets and abolish that useless profession, the teaching profession, like once suggested by one opinionated and irritatingly errant boy, Obed Obedgiu Kwokuboth Jalmeo!

Your Excellency, you will agree with me that teachers are good-for-nothings! They are ungrateful and overly lazy! This is why even fresh boys and girls from high school can actually do a better job than this lot. Can you imagine how their unpatriotic behaviour has plumaged the pandemic in this country? I do not recall any good they have done this country except examination malpractice and assaulting their learners. In fact, the only useful teacher this country has ever had and deserves a ministerial post in the next cabinet reshuffle is my OB from NTC Nkozi, Teacher Mpamire (You did well to shutdown that disgrace of an institution training useless people!)

So, why shutdown learning institutions? Your Excellency, as parents, we have been cheated and exploited by most of these institutions. However, since the start of lockdowns early last year, we have realized that our children, your great grandchildren, deserve better. They are better off at home acquiring real life skills. We are having a wonderful time with them at home! They have learnt to greet, pray, cook, do dishes and laundry and, most importantly, avoided unwanted and early pregnancies! I’d also like to opine that by shutting down these institutions, we shall be saved from these teachers who are better off being shepherds — mind you, they are not well-bread since they hail from poor families! We can resort to our precolonial informal education!

Please, Your Excellency, understand that I’m a well meaning citizen who never uses any intoxicants nor do I devour pork — I’ve only recently taken to marijuana, in all its different forms, to vaccinate my depression and against you-know-what! I’ve only touched alcohol as a sanitizer.

I shall be the happiest citizen of this country and give a Nakyambadde-like testimony at your next public keynote speech if you declare a complete and permanent shutdown of learning institutions. Thanks you.

Your most loyal grandchild,
Nassur Taban El-tablaz

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